Dear Xanga,

We've had a good run, and the last few months have been great, but it's too little, too late, I'm afraid. And it's not you, it's me! I just need more subscibers and posts that don't provide awful flashbacks to middle school. And blogger.com can give me that. He's a good provider, offering me ample protection from stalkers and has all these attractive colors. I'm really sorry. You were a good site, always there for me. I never even look myspace as you were my ol' faithful. We had many wonderful long talks late into the night among the romantic glow of the computer screen, but its time to face reality: you're dead to me. You used to be popular and hoppin', but I can't keep having you leach off of my posts in your old age.

Anyways, take care. You'll always be my first blogging love, but it's time to move on. Maybe we can still be friends?

Love,
Katie

NEW SITE: http://bichitalk.blogspot.com/
If anyone knows anything about HTML beyond posting pictures, please feel free to make my site look like an online Sistine Chapel. There's this huge annoying star icon plastered in one corner and it's just sitting there, mocking my internet ignorance with its elementary kitsch everytime I log on. Please, I will compensate you amply with baked goods.

Currently Listening We Walked in Song By The Innocence Mission see related

Bichitalk - 7/7/07

Well, as you know, today is supposed to be the luckiest day ever, but somehow, the poorly-reported news still found its way into the Eagle. But luckily, you have me to sift out the foolishness with my sieve of truth and bake it a much less absurd concoction:

Pro-hops-bition
    The world can finally bring their speakeasies out into the open, as the petition to ban a new law allowing the sale of alcohol on Sundays failed this week. Starting tomorrow, liquor stores in Wichita and twelve surrounding townships can now maintain business from twelve to five on Sundays. The petition, driven by pastor Wade Moore, failed because over forty percent of the signatures were found to be invalid (Dead give-aways: Balthazar, Leviticus, Machabees). Some religious heads embrace the bill, rejoicing the day has come that they can finally stop serving all that Welch’s and go straight for the Chardaney. Yet, many are still fighting the law even in the face of adversity. Catholics especially mourn the sharp drop in attendance now that mass will become obsolete as an alcoholic watering hole. (Scribes in the Vatican are hastily rewriting the Communion Rite to say “This is my blood, the one true and ever-lasting covenant, it will be shared for you and for all in the form of a nice, cold brewskie”) Overall, Moore condensed the potential harm the law may impose into a concise statement, saying that new law opens “a door for the enemy to come in to do something more destructive.” Like releasing newly-converted Paris Hilton from jail.

Praining
Floods and severe rainfall continue to plague parts of Texas, Oklahoma, and Kansas. Reporters and critics have pinpointed a variety of scapegoats for past catastrophic weather, from global warming and President Bush. This natural disaster has a direct source, however; Alabama Governor Bob Riley. To battle the recent heat in the state, Riley has issued a “Pray for Rain Campaign.” His crusade against drought encourages all Alabamians to put their head in the clouds and plead the good Lord to send some rain. Jerry Newby, CEO of the Alabama Farmer’s Federation, endorses the Campaign, saying that local farmers desire their fellow Alabamians’ blessings to save their barren fields, a clear violation of the “Thou shalt not covet they neighbor’s rain stick” commandment.
    Yet, the ignorance of Riley’s theistic appellation overrides his concern for his constituency: The last time a political agenda was used to push copious amounts of rainfall, the world took a permanent underwater nap during an all-continent-consuming flood, in what political analysts are calling the best erasure of a paper-trail next to deleting e-mails. It also reveals his gross over-estimation in God’s geographical knowledge as Mr. Almighty missed by three states. Riley’s next campaign: convincing farmers to mow a huge arrow in their ruined fields pointing towards Alabama. In a related story: investment in large wooden vessels is experiencing its largest increase since the ark’s wildly successful joint-“Comfort for Carpenters”-advertising campaign with Biblical Birkenstocks popular in the A.D. 40’s.

Opinion Line pick of the week:
“The police know of 3,154 documented gang members? Arrest them!”
The U.S. Government knows of a one Scooter Libby? Let him go!

In Local and State:
Kansas Senator Sam Brownback reportedly flipped and flopped like a salmon swimming upstream this week when voting on an immigration bill. Only minutes after swiftly backing the bill, Brownback retract his support. Brownback said he planned the ‘ol switch-eroo all along, reportedly inspired after watching his favorite movie, The Parent Trap. He said he the conscious indecision served to prove a point – that he has been confusing Congressional sessions with participation on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” all along. Although Brownback confidently proclaimed pre-meditation, he continued to flip-flop about his flip-flopping, hinting that his retraction was a spontaneous conclusion: “I became convinced along with my colleagues on the floor that this version of the bill was not, and would not become, the vehicle that would fix our broken system.” (He then muttered under his breath “I could have sworn all that voting was the Ask the Audience part.”) When asked his final answer on the immigration problem, Roberts declined to comment further, turning instead one of his aides to ask if he could phone a friend. He then leaned over to Pat Roberts, asking “Hey, have you figured out how to use these little ballot doo-hickeys yet?

On the Front Page:
    Reports of the holocaust of the Blackberry increased exponentially this weekend. Apple has “quietly disposed” of these scapegoats for years, but mass graves were exposed on Friday when hoards of people flung the devices into trashcans in pursuit of the newer, inferior craze- the iPhone.  Queues of people lined up outside of AT&T stores on Friday to get their hands on the revolutionary device, only to discover the product to be nothing more than a rotten Apple. The new device, which marks the death of the traditional phone and the birth of absolute nonsense, comes equipped with iTunes, internet access, and a large hammer for beating yourself over the head with for spending so much money on a completely useless product, and appears to be suffering from a fatal case of activationitis. The devoted consumers, who defended their purchase of the multi-purpose phone in defense of liebenstraum – or “living stupidity,” quickly realized the phones’ inability to actually turn on. Left vulnerable to the elements of wild, non-electronic world, most became traumatized from the face-to-face interaction. One disgruntled iPhoner expressed his horror, proclaiming, “Society is absolutely savage these days. It seems to have regressed way back to 1995. Do you know some people actually still use body language?
    When presented with that foreign alternative, the payphone, consumers became frustrated when they realized that pressing buttons were not sending text-messages but instead torturously forcing them to have actual conversations. Tragically, feeling despondent and disconnected from the world many could only figure out one effective use for the corded phone- as a noose, especially after seeing the outrageous amount on the receipt. Consequently, no one could be reached for comment for this story. When AT&T representatives were confronted about problems, they noted confidently that “glitches had been minor and isolated” then giggled softly to themselves, saying, “You mean, they haven’t figured out the phones are plastic and filled with candy yet?”

Elsewhere:
    Law enforcement officers arrested a professional flutist last week for terrorizing the mean streets of Philadelphia with his boisterous tunes. The arrest occurred as part of an ongoing “crackdown on street performers” in an effort to satiate noise complaints from local residents. The complaints did not reprimand the performer’s music as much asprotest his constant verbal defense for his heterosexuality. The criminal was cited as often shouting loudly at regular corner saxophonist, “Stop it, I am NOT a girly-man!” Police are still investigating last month’s bloody scuffle between the city’s biggest rival gangs – the Winds and the Strings – which injured at least twenty civilians who incurred severe paper cuts when caught in the deadly cross-fire of sheet-music the two factions were throwing at oneanother.  

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I’m sorry that, like this next pun, this was a weak week. Its eems my wit decreases proportionally to my schedule’s availability, which as oflate, has been non-existent. Check back periodically throughout the upcoming week for improvement. Perhaps this week’s nonsense will beget better nonsense.   

Currently Listening Let's Get Out of This Country By Camera Obscura see related

Today's Eagle:

Front Page -
In a lengthy article about transgender individuals, a physician describes gender confusion in complicated medical jargon: "'There are girl brains and boy brain, and there are girl (body) parts and boy parts, and sometimes they get mixed up.'"Consequently, today's prayer in Faith and Values appeals to God to stop playing with his Mr. Potato-head doll.

Speaking of which...
F & V blurb announces that The Southern Baptist Convention has created a new paying position with the title "Homosexuality Strategist." The job's first employee, Bob Stith, announced that his main goal is to help gays and lesbians overcome the "temptation dominating their life." Mainly, the temptation to run away in the opposition direction when he approaches. The Convention's conference room has now been converted into a locker room where Baptists huddle together in their "Team Discrimination" jerseys and listen to Stith explain their strategic future plays with circles and x's on white boards. Mainly, circling pictures of homosexuals and drawing big x's over them.

Opinion Line:
The white man's burden, reinvented: "Police in small towns around Wichita routinely stop carloads of white kids. Racial profiling?"  It's so hard being the majority race with the man always keepin' you down.

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On the national front: Hilary Clinton has picked a Celine Dion tune as the official song of her campaign, reportedly after attending her concert at Caesar's Palace. This is one decision that happened in Vegas, and should have stayed there. Although my heart will go on, my vote will not.